E tu, Dairy?

My pregnancy has been really wonderful all in all – no morning sickness, been feeling very well, and I love being pregnant on 6 ½ out of 7 days. But there are quirky things which I’ve had going on and aren’t such a picnic. I don’t like to complain though, and they aren’t really a big deal. Except on the day when you’re grumpy. Lucky us, that’s today.

So, let’s run down some of the not-so-fun issues that I don’t usually talk about:

1. The “crampy poo” (as Jon and I call it). It is what it sounds like. Menstrual-like, nausea-inducing cramps (sorry to all the boys out there who had to read that) that afflict me EVERY time I have to go number two. And yes, I did say EVERY TIME (and yes, I did say number two, hehe). These delights are a mainstay of my pregnancy that my doctor says are perfectly normal (yeah, she’s not dealing with it) and won’t go away until the baby is out. Yippee! Doctor’s advice – these cramps are "useful since they are getting your uterus ready for labor contractions, so use them to practice your labor breathing." Yeah. Right.

2. Heartburn. Question: In what circumstance does an apple, eaten two hours before you retire for the evening, cause unbelievable heartburn and acid reflux when you lay down to sleep? Answer: When you are pregnant. Or at least when I am pregnant. This “feature” of pregnancy has appeared in the second trimester, and convinced me that I should buy stock in Tums. Ooh, berry flavored! Nothing like a berry-flavored chalk tablet before you go to bed, mmm, mmm! No food is safe, no position is safe, no time of day is safe. At least if I sleep with my head propped up a little more than usual the juicies don’t usually come back up. That’s a bonus.

3. My thermostat needs replacing. No, not the one in the house, the one in the “mommy-to-be.” I have lost all ability to control my temperature. My hands and feet are freezing a lot of the time (unusual for me). And I’ll suddenly get very hot at times, which causes me to feel faint. This is noticeable most often when I’m puttering around or cooking (it could be exacerbated by the fact that being on your feet compresses arteries in your legs which decreases blood flow, and pregnant ladies have lower blood pressure to begin with as well.) All I know is that one minute I’ll be talking to Jon and we’re cooking and the next minute I feel like I’m sweating everywhere, feel faint, and want to throw up. Immediately I get water and sit down or lay down until I feel normal again. I think Jon’s starting to get used to this now – the first time it happened he was quite concerned and worried, but now he gets me my water, continues cooking, and comes to check on me in a few minutes. Still attentive, but not hyper-worried anymore. :) Quite disconcerting for a control-freak (who, me?) to feel her body go completely wacky and short-circuit though. I don’t like it.

4. Can’t sleep/can’t roll-over/can’t get comfortable. My body must be preparing itself for the baby-induced sleepless nights, by having mommy-induced sleepless nights. That’s my only explanation for having to go to the bathroom two to three times a night, losing the ability to roll-over without waking up (this darn tummy is getting in the way!), and having my right side (the side I like to sleep on) get so numb from sleeping on it that I feel like a big flopping fish (or more accurately, a whale) as I try to maneuver to the left side without using any of the appendages on the right side of my body, which have gone completely numb and useless. I keep trying to sleep on my left side, yet invariably wake up on my right, doing my Flipper impression to turn-over. I swear Jon is laughing at me at night (I know I would be laughing at me if I was him). The can’t sleep/can’t roll-over issue is really related to the general category of “getting more uncomfortable.” At this point things are beginning to hurt, and yes, I know this is only going to get worse as time goes on. I’m still grumpy because all my favorite “comfie” positions are suddenly decidedly un-comfie.

5. General Irritability. Somewhere along this journey I’ve lost my patience and “give them the benefit of the doubt, they couldn’t really be that stupid” outlook. Hopefully I’ll circle back and find it once the baby is out (maybe when my comfie positions are comfie again?). :) I have the urge to snap at people quite often, am having a harder time veiling my “I can’t believe you just asked me that question” look, and am more convinced than ever that the human race is composed of mostly idiots and bumbling morons. I think I’ve controlled my urges to scream and verbally abuse people up to this point, but there is no telling what could happen in the four remaining months. My urge to reach across a conference table and strangle someone could be acted upon at any moment though, and if a waiter forgets the ranch dressing for my fries one more time I could go into a hormone-induced rampage in the middle of Chili’s. This could get ugly.

And why do people I barely know or don’t know at all think that I care about their child-rearing advice? Our family’s advice, yes. Our friends’ advice, yes. People in my Bible study’s advice, yes. Random lady in the bookstore who sees I’m buying a pregnancy book? Uhm, let me think about this. Hmm, I’m going to have to go with no. Moron. (See, I told you I was irritable).

And now, after all this, in the last week or so I’ve been having some not-so-nice stomach issues. I would refer to it as “general gastrointestinal distress”. After many hours in the bathroom, Jon and I believe we have found the culprit however. My beloved dairy has become a traitor. The scoundrel! I like cows. I like cheese. I like milk. But milk is not liking me, and has been causing quite the ruckus. So Mr. Milk is getting a time-out until he apologizes -- I’m going to try and lay off it for a bit and find alternative sources of calcium and protein.

So, that’s my tirade for the day. Like I said, most days are great. I really think I’ve had a wonderful pregnancy so far, and love being pregnant! I’m just little miss grumpy pants today. We’ll blame it on milk-withdrawal. :)